Mom's Slipping Away From Us, But I Know She Is Going to Be Ok

The following stories were first delivered in a speech I gave at 60 Minute Toastmasters, Courtenay BC, in early 2013.  

1980. 

In the cabin my father built 13 miles down a dirt road outside the small town of Houston BC.

I’m three years old. I’m having a nightmare. I wake up. The darkness around me is palpable and chills me to my little 3 yr old bones.

"Mom, mom."

They don’t hear me.

With all my courage, I risk it all against whatever is lurking in the darkness, lifting off the covers, leaping out of bed and hustling into the next room where my parents sleep.

"Mom, mom, I had a bad dream." The fear is still in my voice.

Disoriented, she stirs. Sits up a little. Rubs sleep from her eyes. Sees me. In her mind everything clicks into focus. It is her little boy. Looking to the one who is strong, wise, safe, an anchor.

"Come on under the covers. Don’t worry David. I’m here. it’s going to be ok. God is with you. Do you want me to pray for you?" "Yes."

"Lord Jesus, please take away David’s fear, and let him know you are with him, and everything is going to be ok."

Calm slowly enters me again.

I’m going to be ok.

As I lay there nestled under the warm covers, it never in a million years occurred to my little mind that one day our roles would be much different.



December 2012.

I wake up in the night hearing a soft voice persistently calling for help.

I’m disoriented. Where am I? Whose voice is this?

Usually it’s a child’s voice. But this isn’t.

My wife, next to me in bed, says, “It’s your mom.”

In my brain everything clicks into focus.

We’re at my sister’s house in Victoria.

Mom’s been staying there for a while.

We’re there for three days giving respite care for mom while my sister and her family go on a needed vacation.

We’re grandma sitting.

I’ve known my mom my whole life, but this is entirely new territory for me. For us.

Since when is she the one getting me up in the night?

When did it all change?

The Parkinson's disease had snuck up slowly on her like grey clouds inching their way across what was a clear blue sky.

Probably 7 years ago now, I remember walking on the beach with her, and finding it odd that she was so stiff and unsteady navigating around a few friendly pieces of driftwood.

Now, about 7 years into the disease and 3 years into a diagnosis, she is like an old lady at 62. Sometimes she freezes altogether, unable even to budge another inch.

Occasionally she walks at a regular pace, the only sign of her disease an uneven, awkward gait.

Most of the time, she lives in slow motion, shuffling from one room to another carefully and with effort.

Some days she slurs and mutters her words, other days she is clear. Buttons and zippers – usually too difficult.

An on it goes.

But the bigger shock came just in the last year.

Like a thief in the night that will keep coming back until he has robbed the house bare, out of the blue, it struck.

Dementia.

I’d seen it in snatches during brief visits and phone calls over the past several months, but now living with her, the dementia confronted me fiercely and brazenly.

Here she was in my sister’s little house in Victoria now for a month, and she still got lost making the 10 foot trip from her bedroom to the bathroom.

“What room is this? Is this the bathroom?” “no mom, that’s the kids room.” Oh ok. She shuffles next into our bedroom.

Looks up. “Hey, that’s my picture! I painted that!” “You sure did, mom. You must have given that as a gift to Deirdre.” “yes, that’s right I did. I need to go to the bathroom. Where is the bathroom in this house?” “It’s just out here.”

Where did my mom go, the mom who was strong and wise and an anchor in my life?

Now she’s the one calling to me in the night.

There’s my wife again, in the darkness, placing her warm hand on my arm.

“It’s your mom David. You’d better go see what’s wrong.”

I stumble out of bed, out the door, to mom’s room. I try opening the door. Something’s blocking it.

“I’ve fallen out of bed. I’m on the floor. I’m very cold. I’m freezing. I need you to help me. I need you to help me.”

“don’t worry mom. I’m here. It’s going to be ok. I’m going to help.”

She’s completely blocking the door. It will only open a crack. I jam my arm through, feel for her, find her back.

“I’m going to give you a push, ok?”

As gently as I can, I slide her body along the varnished wood floor. Now I can move the door enough to squeeze through.

“I can’t stand up. I can't stand up. You’re going to have to lift me.”

I get my arms under her, dead lift her back into bed, get the covers on.

The next day, she’s feeling afraid.

We talk.

"I hate being so weak. Stiff. It’s so hard."

And she breaks down.

"What if I am losing my memory? What do I do?"

And I remember when I was a little boy. Afraid. Her presence comforted me and her faith pointed me to someone greater and stronger than both of us. And her faith is now mine.

And so I said, "mom, remember when I was small, and afraid, and you would comfort me, and remind me that God is with me, and he will never leave me, and it’s going to be ok."

"Yes, I did," she says.

"Mom, you’re trusting him, right?" “yes, I am.” She says definitely.

"Mom," I say with tears in my eyes.

"you may get more confused, one day you may not be able to even speak. And God will still be with you. And these diseases will not ultimately win. One day everything is going to be ok."

And she says, "I know."

And I can see calm slowly entering her again.

She’s going to be ok.

March 29.2016   Possibly my last visit with mom.  Acacia and I are heading back on the plane to Scotland this afternoon.  Mom is now nearly always confused and says very little.  She no longer walks or feeds herself.  And God is still with her.  And the diseases will not ultimately win, because Christ has redeemed mom by his death and resurrection.  One day soon for mom, everything is going to be more than okay.  She will be made new in the presence of her savior.   I love you mom.  Miss you already.  See you there.

It's good to stop

Today was prayer retreat day.  This is something I've found super helpful for years though I don't take the opportunity as often as I wish.  New year is a great time for it.  My friend Ivor kindly let me use their church building a couple towns from us as my retreat centre.   Guitar, journal (aka. computer), bible, place, time, all set. 

I'm in week four of five weeks off from classes at seminary(!) which is a ridiculously long time to be off.  But it's been perfect in our world to have some family time after the busyness of moving and full on school and life in Scotland the previous three months.  And a time to do some serious catch up on the backlog of stuff left undone / procrastinated relating to our move... my to do list is long but I'm chipping away at it.  (I will not bore you with the details because most of it is boring!)  And a chance to finally talk with friends back home we have not had opportunity to for so long!!  (PS we'd love to chat -message us!)

But today it was a gift to stop simply to worship, pray, walk, meditate on Scripture, read and write in my journal, look at the year ahead.  No lightning bolts struck, angels appeared, or audible voices spoke from heaven.   God was just present. 

As a human being I am such a work in progress and I was deeply blessed reflecting on a verse that has been coming at me relentlessly the past month - Philippians 1:6 - "being confident of this, that  he who began a good work in you will carry it on to completion until the day of Christ Jesus."  It was good to intercede for the church in Scotland and to feel again the heart of God for this nation, his people, and those he wants to bring into his family.  It was good to pray for my family, confess my failures, and ask God to shape me as a husband and father.  It was good to lay some fears down before God and find some answers to questions.   It was good to be reminded what a good, good Father I have, and that he is God and I am not.  It was good to settle into accepting God's simple call to trust him, do good, and wait for him - Psalm 37.

I'll be home soon, and it will be all out mayhem as per usual with four kids... not to mention me and Agnes!  My to do list is waiting for me.  As well, I've had plenty of college work to do on this break  - attempting to read through half a dozen books, keep up my Greek, and I'm gearing up to enter an essay competition, only because they don't give us enough homework at seminary (lol yeah right)!   

Now it's time to go home.

Was it worth it to stop?  Take a whole day?  What did I accomplish?  Pretty much nothing I can measure by ordinary standards.

But my heart has been recalibrated a little closer to the reality of the kingdom of God.  I prayed for people I love and I carry a conviction that God is answering.  I tasted God's goodness in worship.  I am deeply grateful.  These intangibles are priceless. 

Yes it is worth it.  I hope I remember that the next time I hear the call to set aside some time.   I trust that the One working in me will give me the grace to say "yes."

BOOK REVIEW: Francis Chan - Crazy Love ( one of those 'read at your own risk' books)

Life in Scotland has been crazy BUSY the past 3 months - haven't blogged as much as I'd like... so I thought I'd share with you some of what I'm writing and wrestling through at Edinburgh Theological Seminary.  

Francis Chan writes Crazy Love from within American church culture to his contemporaries.  In this book, he seeks to wake up complacent believers to the glory of God, to the experience of grace, and to the absolute demand placed on our lives through the gospel.  He intersperses exhortation with testimony of personal renewal in his own life and in that of Cornerstone Community Church, a church he planted and which, at publication date, he had pastored for thirteen years.  His stated goal is to '...convince you of something: that by surrendering yourself totally to God’s purposes, He will bring you the most pleasure in this life and the next.'^[1]

From his opening words, 'We all know something’s wrong,'[2] Chan takes the direct approach and asks 'some hard questions,'[3] with the qualifier that his goal is not to bash but to spur on the church.  In chapters one to three, Chan addresses our perspective of God.  He paints a fresh picture of classic attributes of God; he reminds us that history is about God, not us; and he invites us to exchange performance-oriented fear for 'reverent intimacy'[4] with our loving God.  He goes for the jugular in chapters four and five, titled, 'Profile of the Lukewarm' and 'Serving Leftovers to a Holy God'.  First, Chan catalogues the traits of nominal Christians who, based on his reading of Revelation 3:16 'will not... [be] in heaven'[5].  Then he argues that offering God leftovers is not justifiable; it is 'evil'.[6]  With chapter six, the book turns a corner as Chan models the answer to lukewarm living: it is not guilt, but letting "God... help me love God."[7]  This love moves us from a life of comfort to one of faith-filled risk.[8]  Chan challenges us to pursue the exemplary traits of the "Profile of the Obsessed".[9]  Then he profiles twelve demographically diverse individuals, one family and one church who model 'crazy love'.  Chan shares these to '[eliminate] every excuse for not living a radical, love-motivated life.^[10]  He challenges readers to not simply noetically assent but to respond by walking in surrender.  This challenge is supported by three 'how to' steps from Chan's own experience: continually pursue Christ, remember the great cloud of witnesses, and rely on the gift of the Holy Spirit.[11]

This book's greatest strength is its clear, passionate and unifying theme, robustly undergirded by Scripture: 'let's take seriously Christ's call to heartfelt, no-holds-back discipleship.'   Chan's choice of language serves his purpose well: it is simple, compelling, and it carries the theme forward in a fast-moving, logical and emotive flow.   Chan's habit of careful Bible meditation comes through in his fresh insights into familiar Scriptures.  For example, commenting on Jesus' analysis of salt losing its saltiness, he asks, 'How would you like to hear the Son of God say, "You would ruin manure"?'^[12]  Francis writes to an audience he knows well, and he earns credence with them through his own authenticity.  He reinforces Scripture's injunctions with well-chosen quotes and with inspiring examples of ordinary people.  Finally, Chan calls for a strong response from his readers.

Crazy Love  is an important, well written message; what could Chan have done to make it even better?  He warmly expresses the truth of God's forgiveness and father-love.[13]  However, this foundational truth would have greater impact if Chan had proved it more thoroughly from Scripture rather than from experience, and if he had clearly expressed that the power to change is not only something to pursue on our part (e.g. 'swimming upstream'[14]) but also something to freely receive from God as part of the gift announced in the gospel.[15]   Additionally, Chan's declaration that the 'lukewarm' are damned begs at least a brief interaction with evangelicals who disagree, but he declines.[16]  In answering the 'Now, what?' question, his first prescription is 'to ask yourself, "Is this the most loving way to do life?" '^[17]   I suggest this emphasizes the human element in discernment, to the neglect of cultivating a dependant, listening ear for the leading of the Holy Spirit (though he is clear in emphasizing the power  of the Holy Spirit^[18]).  This appears to be his corrective to people using 'I didn't "hear God calling me" '^[19] to excuse their disobedience to Scripture; however I believe his approach divides something which God has joined together - the Word and the Spirit.

On the research side, the book's statistics are weakened by Chan's choice in one case to cite the sometimes-reliable Wikipedia (historical world population[20]) and in the other case, to provide no citation source (income comparison[21]).

As a discipleship resource I would give Crazy Love an eight out of ten.  I have benefited from it and I would share it with others.

Personally, this book challenged me to have a big and growing view of God and to love him with every fibre of my being.  While my coming to Scotland this year has involved massive steps of faith, reading Crazy Love made me realize how quickly I am settling for a safe life now that I'm here.  Chan spurs me on to eschew my preference for comfortable living, and stirs afresh a longing that my greatest steps of faith will not be in my past.   The biographical sketches in chapter nine gave me a vivid picture of Jesus as the treasure hidden in the field who is worth any price to gain.   One of the 'trust' questions raised for me is, 'How should my family approach "giving" now that we have transitioned from salary to zero "guaranteed" income?'  I think above all I hear in Francis' book a call to not to neglect that sweet place of worship and intimacy with Jesus where abandon to God flows naturally.

In my vocation as a preacher, Francis' model of pulling no punches in laying out the call of Jesus convicts me.  Sometimes I over-qualify the demands of Scripture with the result that their potency is diminished.   I found Chan's own testimony of struggles and victories to be helpful, and  I am encouraged to grow in the practice of personal transparency as part of teaching the Bible effectively.  On the home front, I am inviting my twelve-year-old daughter to read Crazy Love and I look forward to discussing with her how it applies to our lives.

Finally, here is my favorite quote from Crazy Love:

Giving up everything and sacrificing everything we can for the afterlife is logical. “Crazy” is living a safe life and storing up things while trying to enjoy our time on earth, knowing that any millisecond God could take your life.[22]

Crazy Love: Original edition (reviewed).

Crazy Love: Updated edition

Written for Practical Theology 101 - fall 2015 @ Edinburgh Theological Seminary.

---

^[1] Francis Chan and Danae Yankoski, Crazy Love: Overwhelmed by a Relentless God (Colorado Springs, CO: David C. Cook, 2008), 20

[2]  Ibid, 19

[3]  Ibid, 19

[4]  Ibid, 57

[5]  Ibid, 83

[6]  Ibid, 91

[7]  Ibid, 104

[8]  Ibid, Chapter 7

[9]  Ibid, Chapter 8

^[10] Ibid, 163

[11] Ibid, 169-171

[12]  Ibid, 81

[13]  e.g. Ibid, Chapter 3, also cf. p. 110

[14]  Ibid,  95

[15]  cf. Gal. 3:1-5

[16]  Chan and Yankoski , 84

^[17]  Ibid, 166

[18] Ibid, 171-172

[19] Ibid, 169

[20] Ibid, 45

[21] Ibid, 89

[22] Ibid, 186

Scotland needs missionaries!

I wrote this for school last month... this is why we are here!   Pray for Scotland!  If God tells you to come join his mission, then get over here!

Scotland has a rich history of mission, reformation and revival.  However, today this kingdom of 5.1 million people has only an approximate 153,000 evangelical Christians, which is just 3% of the population; the country also has a growing Muslim immigrant population.[1]  The largest denomination, the Church of Scotland, has plummeted in its membership from 1.2 million in 1966 to 400,000 in 2013[2]; moreover, it is handicapped by much nominalism and liberalism and by the influence of Freemasonry.  Today, 42% of Scots say Christian faith is "not at all...relevant to my life".[3]  From a socio-economic level, Scotland is the "worst-performing Western European nation", a problem likely linked to the high instances of out of wedlock births (nearly 50%) and alcohol and drug abuse.[4] 

In 1910, the World Missionary Conference was convened to advance foreign missions. The host city for this conference was Edinburgh, Scotland.  To say things have changed is an understatement.  Have no doubt: today, in 2015, Scotland itself is very much a mission field.

In spite of the depletion of church membership, there are signs of openness in the culture and renewal in the church.  54% of people have a "very favorable" or "fairly favorable" view of Christianity; 83% think church is a "very... or... fairly favorable thing for a community."[5]   More young people than adults respect the authority of Scripture (36%) and say that faith "has transformed my life" (23%).[6]  Undoubtedly these evidences of the Spirit's work are occurring in answer to prayer.  How much more will happen if you also join the ranks of the intercessors?  In the New Testament, James writes, "you do not have, because you do not ask."[7]  Scripture commands us to pray for all people[8], to pray for God's kingdom to come[9], and to pray the Lord of the harvest will thrust workers into his harvest field.[10]  Do you believe these commands are for you?  Do you believe God will answer your prayers?  Do you believe God in his love longs to change Scotland, and he will, if his people pray?

Jesus' last command was to make disciples of all nations.[11]  God asks us how people can call on him to be saved unless gospel preachers are sent - the implication is, someone must go.[12]  When you pray, one of the ways Jesus will answer is by sending people to Scotland as missionaries.  He will speak to Christian men, women, and young people in Scottish towns and cities, in other parts of Great Britain, and in far off nations, asking, "Will you join the ranks of those fighting on the ground for the souls of Scottish people?"  Who does he send?  Ordinary Christians who are willing.  Today God is raising up an army to contend for his honor in the hearts of Scots.  You are not reading this post today by accident.  Will you invite God to place his love for Scotland in your heart?  Will you commit to praying for this nation as the Spirit enables you?  Will you tell God, "If you send me to Scotland, I will go"?

---

[1] Barna Group, "Scotland: Lessons for Effective Ministry in a Post-Christian Context, August 27, 2015," n.p., [cited 23 Oct 2015].  Online: https://www.barna.org/barna-update/culture/730-scotland-lessons-for-effective-ministry-in-a-post-christian-context#.Viji6X6rTb1

[2]  Ibid

[3]  Ibid

[4]  Jason Mandryk, Operation World: The Definitive Prayer Guide to Every Nation, 7th edition, 859

[5]  Barna Group, "Scotland"

[6]  Ibid

[7]  James 4:2, ESV

[8]  1 Tim. 2:1

[9]  Matt. 6:10

[10] Matt. 9:37-38

[11] Matt. 28:19

[12] Rom. 10:14-15

Crazy people

I received a crazy gift last week.  It almost seems wrong that they gave it, maybe that's why it touched me deeply and still does. 

Last Wednesday I discovered that the lock was broken and my bike was stolen from the garage next to the manse where we live.  I felt the predictable range of emotions - angry, unsafe, and sad that something my wife had carefully saved for and bought, something I had taken good care of and gotten much use and enjoyment from, was now some intruder's booty. 

I woke early Thursday morning with it on my mind.  I was choosing forgiveness, I was choosing to praise God, but I felt bummed.  I mentioned it over coffee at seminary that day, and I made a brief facebook post - "just found my bike was stolen L.  God is good J." 

By Friday I had moved on, but the secretary at school told me after lunch, "Come to my office, I have an envelope for you."  She gives me this envelope tagged "David Mitchell c/o Edinburgh Theological Seminary" and inside is an anonymous note of sympathy and 150 pounds. 

!   

I cannot remember who I talked to about the bike, but I'm standing in the hallway with tears in my eyes and all I can figure is some cash-strapped student has just made a huge sacrifice so they could send the message, "God cares."  I am so humbled when I think what they must have gone without just so they could communicate love, and expecting insisting on no recognition in return. 

Who does that kind of thing?  Crazy people.  I'm thinking, "you really should have kept the money.  I'll make it without a bike.  You probably needed it more than me."  But I'm also very grateful they did it, because of the bike, yes, but more, because of how I met God in that costly gift, and how their example summons me out of my own self-centredness, and into that kind of crazy, humble, faith-filled servant's heart. 

Friend, if you are reading this, thank you.

By the way, the 'crazy' tag is in my head because in Practical Theology (PT) class this month I read Francis Chan's book Crazy Love - I recommend it - a great read to stir your heart for Jesus.  PT is one of four classes I am privileged to take at Edinburgh Theological Seminary... how amazing to have a pit stop here to be equipped for the next season of ministry.  I'm also loving Church History, Old Testament and especially - Greek!  Agnes says I'm a geek.

Broken, Grace, Worship

Edinburgh skyline 9 am

                                                    Caldercruix skyline 830 pm

So here we are in our little Scottish village.  We came with this huge sense of 'sentness', God calling, opening doors, clearing the way for a purpose.  Honestly it's very easy for me to take pride in that as if it was something particularly noteworthy in me that brought the 'call'.  God has his way of dealing with that.  Pride.  Funny/painful/humbling how God allows us to see what we are apart from him - this last week has been one of my hardest at being a 'good Christian' in a very long time... coming up over and over really short on the fruit of the Spirit.  Constantly having to confess my sin.  Right.  Whatever God is doing, it's all because of grace.  It's going to have to be because the raw material he has to work with here is just not going to cut it.  Ever. 

Man I love when he wakens my heart and mind to grace again.  It's all we've got. And there is more than enough.

So today my family is off visiting grandma, and I am filling the time in the evening  with a bit of mountain biking, and then picking up the guitar for a bit of worship.  I go to a seminary where we sing a Psalm a capella twice a day with incredible gusto, and today as we sang Psalm 100 - such beautiful music and rich words - I'm thinking, 'I can hear that going well with a bit of guitar.'  Now is my time to give it a go.   I start with a 4/4 rhythm but settle on a folksy 6/8.  I don't know what these folks here will think of me messing with their Scottish Psalter but it's doing my heart good to sing.

I finish up and I'm asking the Lord - so what are we here to do?  And I hear his whisper - 'you're here to worship me.'  I'm thinking, surely there are people here doing that already.  We certainly can join our voices with theirs to lift up the name of Jesus in our village.  But I hear him saying it again, 'you're here to worship me.'  And I feel the weight of 'mission' that in a sense I've put on myself being lifted off.  And I remember he just wants our hearts.  That the work he's begun in us, he completes it as we look to the cross, not as we see ourselves as oh so important and 'we'd better keep busy'.  And I remember that it was as the disciples worshiped Jesus that they heard that amazing word "go..." which launched the church into the nations and launched us into Caldercruix, Scotland.   I have a hunch that as we worship we just might become more like Jesus.  I for one need that.  And as we worship we just might hear him give us the next step.  Whatever comes, for us or for you, let him be given all the glory.  Because it's all his grace.

Oh - here's the song.  (wait 10 seconds till it starts:)). 

We're in Caldercruix, Scotland and guess what...God is here already

(Levi waving in front of the church in Caldercruix... it sits just beyond our front lawn!)

(above: our new home)

It has been good but challenging adjusting this week to live in a brand new place thousands of miles from everything and everyone familiar in Canada. 

Good because of the unbelievably thoughtful welcome from the church in Caldercruix, who - for us complete strangers - put effort and expense into renovating the manse we have moved into - all floors, walls painted, a bathroom fully renovated, garden updated, towels and curtain supplied.  And the retiring pastor who left much useful furniture for our benefit - couch, chair, wardrobes.  And Agnes' mom Effie went overboard getting the cupboards and fridge filled and buying and endless number of household essentials to make our landing here soft - beds /bedding/night tables,  dining table and chairs, dishes, dishsoap, shampoo, on and on.  And  Caldercruix is a beautiful little village of friendly people and kids who come to play in the churchyard in front of our house, renewing trails and breathtaking sunsets.

And challenging- missing loved ones, struggling for days just to get a cel phone working, learning we won't get home phone/internet til Sep 21, and feeling cut off from the world, jet lag, heading by train to the bank to open an account (two villages away) and forgetting my ID...   But today was special as we sensed the Spirit of God speaking his welcome to us.

The last song we heard in Comox was 'you shall go out with joy and be led forth with peace.'  This was picked by a friend who unbeknownst to them, was singing the verse the Lord used to clearly, relentlessly call us on this adventure to Scotland.

We came to church late today, though we live 50 metres from the church door... missed the opening song but what was the first song we sung there - 'you shall go out with joy and be led forth with peace.' 

When I shared with the kids on June 13 that God was giving our family a new calling, I first read to them the disciples' call narrative from Mark 1 where they left their nets and followed Jesus.  Another song we sung in church today referred to that same story.   

At the heart of our journey has been simply seeking to listen for the Lord's call on lives.  A couple days ago  I read the boys Samuel's call story from their children's Bible - a story which encapsulates that idea (1 Sam 3).  What was the preacher's message today in church about ?   Samuel's call.

And we had a taste of our home church this morning - one of our new Caldercruix friends was introducing the church here to Operation Christmas Child - a Bay tradition.

We are where we need to be, and God will be and will give all we need.  God help us to remember that, and to be grateful for his plan and his call.  It's going to be good.